I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
