I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
