I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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