true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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