i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
