so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
