4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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