the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
