I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
