my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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