I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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