i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
