Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
