She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
