when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
