Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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