he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
