My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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