I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
