Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
