I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
