I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
