I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
