I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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