woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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