last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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