This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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