I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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