the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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