if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My feet surprised me
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