look no pants
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
