rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The beer is more important than you right now.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
