What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
