I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
