can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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