me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
