Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We left the knife in your bed.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
