ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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