I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
