Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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