The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
