Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
