I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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