just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You made out with two different species that night
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
