i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
