I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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