she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
