I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
