Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
