Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Come see our sink grown plant.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
