I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
